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Why Do Couples Fight? Understanding Arguments in Relationships & How to Handle Them Better

Published on

17th Jul 2025

MEDICALLY REVIEWED BY
Dr Anuradha Kabra
Dr Anuradha Kabra
MD Psychiatry
Indian couple sitting apart on a sofa looking upset after a fight, symbolizing tension and misunderstanding in relationships

Studies show that the average couple argues about once per week. So, if you’ve been wondering, “Are we fighting too much?” chances are, you and your partner are pretty normal.

“Arguments don’t break relationships. Unresolved resentment does.” says Dr. Elvin Lukose, Psychiatrist, Mumbai

The question is not whether couples should fight, but how to fight constructively and not hurt each other. Let's look deeply into this messy, complicated world of fights between couples and learn how to navigate them like teammates and not like opponents.

How Often Do Couples Fight?

You know what's interesting? Most couples think they fight more than others. Some fight alternate days (usually about small stuff), while others have big blowouts monthly.

The frequency depends on several factors: Communication styles, stress levels, living arrangements, cultural background, and personal histories.

In Indian households, where joint families are common, couples might face additional pressures. My neighbor once told me how she and her husband rarely fought until they moved in with his parents. Suddenly, every small disagreement feels out of hand.

But if both of you are:

  • Fighting daily
  • Using insults, blame games, or character attacks
  • Getting the silent treatment for days
  • Feeling anxious every time a disagreement starts

…then maybe it’s time to hit pause and rethink the patterns.

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Why Do Couple Fights Get Out of Hand? The Root Causes

1. Money Matters (Especially who’s spending on what and how much)

Financial stress tops the list of couple fights globally, and it's particularly intense in Indian households. Whether it's deciding on EMIs, managing household expenses, or dealing with family financial obligations, money disagreements can get ugly super fast.

2. Household Responsibilities: Who does what

"Why don't you ever help with the dishes?" This question has probably started more fights than any movie plot. Unequal division of household chores remains a major source of conflict, especially in dual-income families where traditional roles are shifting.

3. Communication gaps (What you said vs. what they heard)

Sometimes couples fight more because of miscommunication and poor listening skills rather than just not talking. One person says something, the other hears something completely different. 

4. Family Interference and In-laws

In Indian culture, extended family opinions often influence couple dynamics. Whether it's in-laws commenting on career choices or relatives offering unsolicited advice, external pressures can create internal conflicts.

5. Lack of Intimacy

You might have heard about couples falling out of love with each other, not having the same kind of attraction they used to have while they first got together. Life’s struggles get in the middle of the attraction between partners so it is important to do things that keep the spark and connection alive.

6. Work-life balance issues (Late nights, business trips, missed dinners)

Career expectations, breaks or even ambition if not managed well by the couple can create a rift in relationships. When work becomes a priority and love takes a back seat, unmet expectations creep in to cause disconnection and frustrations that break a relationship.

7. Different way of life or even parenting/non-parenting approaches

There’s no one way to live a life. Diverse paths individuals choose in structuring their lives, including everything from unconventional lifestyles to varied family dynamics. It delves into the spectrum of parenting philosophies, including conscious decisions to have or not have children, and examines how these choices shape individual experiences and societal norms.

What Do Couples Fight About Most?

Research shows these are the top triggers:

Daily irritants: Leaving wet towels on the bed, not putting things back in place, forgetting to buy milk Major life decisions: Career changes, having children, relocating for work Social habits: How much time to spend with friends versus family Personal space: Need for alone time versus togetherness Future planning: Financial goals, retirement, children's education

Infographic diagram and representation about reasons and causes for couples fights in relationship due to internal and external factors

How to Manage Fights in Relationships: The Art of Constructive Conflict and Argument

There's actually an appropriate way to fight. Who knew?

1. Read the situation and your partner beforehand

Don't start heavy conversations when someone's hungry, tired, or stressed. Timing matters more than you think. Choose a moment when both of you can focus without distractions.

2. Use "I" Statements - Talk. Don’t attack.

Instead of "You never listen to me," try "I feel unheard when my concerns aren't acknowledged." It's not just grammar - it's psychology. You're expressing your experience rather than attacking their character.

3. Stay on Topic - don't dig up old graves

Don't bring up that time three months ago when they forgot your anniversary. Address the current issue without dragging historical baggage into it.

4. Listen to Understand, Not to Win

This is harder than it sounds. We're often so busy preparing our comeback that we miss what our partner is actually saying.

5. The 24-Hour Rule - Utilise Timeouts

When you feel a fight brewing, call a timeout. Agree to revisit the issue in 24 hours. This prevents heat-of-the-moment statements that you'll regret later. It’s okay to say, “Can we continue after I’ve calmed down?”

6. Create a Safe Word

Couples who've mastered healthy conflict often have a code word that means "let's pause and reset." It might sound silly, but it works.

7. Address Issues Early

Don't let small irritations pile up until they explode. If something bothers you, mention it calmly before it becomes a big deal.

8. Become a good listener

Repeat back what you heard your partner say. "So you're feeling overwhelmed because..." This simple technique prevents misunderstandings. Licensed and trained therapists from Amaha have handled thousands of couples with such issues and can help you and your partner navigate through these problems and re-connect with each other.

What Not to Do While Fighting: The Danger Zone

  • Don't attack your partner's insecurities or use their vulnerabilities against them. That's not fighting - that's being cruel.
  • Avoid these 4 behaviours - Relationship expert John Gottman identified four destructive patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are relationship killers.
  • Don't Involve Third Parties - Keep your conflicts between you two. Do not involve friends, neighbours, parents or even siblings in your fights.
  • Skip the Silent Treatment - Ignoring your partner might feel powerful, but it's actually destructive. We'll talk more about this next.
  • Don’t shout in public (or on WhatsApp groups — seriously)
  • Don’t threaten to break up over every small thing

The Silent Treatment: When Silence Becomes Toxic

After an argument, some people shut down completely. They stop talking, avoid eye contact, and act like their partner doesn't exist. This is called the silent treatment. It's one of the most damaging things you can do to a relationship.

The silent treatment is different from taking space to cool down. When you take space, you communicate your needs and set a timeframe. The silent treatment is punitive, it's designed to make the other person suffer.

Dr. Ahmed explains: "Silent treatment activates the same pain centers in the brain as physical injury. It's psychological warfare, not conflict resolution."

If you're getting the silent treatment, don't chase or beg. Give them space but set boundaries. "I understand you need time, but we need to talk about this within 24 hours."

When to Be Concerned About Fights in Your Relationship

Signs for when matters are getting out of hands and you need professional intervention. Not all fights are created equal. Some patterns should worry you:

Fights That Never Resolve

If you keep having the same argument without any progress, something's wrong. Healthy couples learn and grow from conflicts.

Increasing Frequency and Intensity

If fights are happening more often and getting more vicious, it's time to seek help.

Physical or Emotional Abuse

If fights involve name-calling, threats, or physical violence, this isn't normal conflict - it's abuse.

Avoiding Conflict Completely

Paradoxically, couples who never fight might have problems too. It could mean one person is suppressing their needs.

De-Personification of yourself

If you start feeling that you are not the same person you used to be. Constantly doubting yourself, constantly feeling tired and fatigued, Feeling hopeless about “things ever changing” then things are beyond your control, reach out to a couples therapist.

Practical Solutions on How to Make Up After a Fight

  • Apologise First - Even if you think you weren’t entirely wrong, a simple “I’m sorry” can melt tension.
  • Talk About Feelings, Not Just Facts - Share how you felt during the fight, not just what was said or done.
  • Listen Without Interrupting - Let your partner speak without jumping in to defend yourself.
  • Offer a Small Gesture - A cup of tea, a hug, or holding hands can say more than words.
  • Use Humour to Lighten the Mood - Laughter, even after a fight, can soften the hardest moments.
  • Reaffirm Your Love and rebuild connection - Remind each other: it’s not about never fighting, it’s about staying together through it
  • Learn from Each Fight - Ask yourselves: What triggered this? How can we handle it better next time? What did we learn about each other?

Also read: Therapist approved tools to improve your relationship

How to Argue Without Burning Bridges

Here’s the golden rule: Arguments aren’t wars to win. Ask questions like:

  • “What do you need from me right now?”
  • “Can we press pause and return to this tomorrow?”
  • “Are we arguing over the real issue, or just today’s symptom?”

Wrapping Up (But Not Preaching)

Fighting in relationships means you care enough to work through problems instead of giving up. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict but to fight fair, fight constructively, and fight together against the problem rather than against each other.

Remember, every couple has their own fighting style. What matters is that you're both committed to growing together, learning from conflicts, and treating each other with respect even when you disagree.

Couples who learn how to fight well? They stay together longer. They grow. They understand each other more deeply. Not because they avoid fights. But because they know how to come back stronger.

You don’t need to fight less. You need to fight better.

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infographic about how to argue and manage fights in relationships without hurting each other

Frequently Asked Questions:

1. How often do normal couples fight?

Healthy couples typically argue 2-3 times per week, with some experiencing daily minor disagreements and others having monthly major discussions. The frequency varies based on communication styles, stress levels, and life circumstances. What matters more than frequency is how constructively conflicts are resolved.

2. What are the most common reasons couples fight about?

The top reasons include money management, household responsibilities, communication issues, family interference, and future planning. In Indian households, extended family opinions and traditional vs. modern role expectations often add additional conflict sources.

3. Is it normal for couples to fight every day?

Daily fights about minor issues can be normal, but constant major arguments indicate underlying problems. If daily conflicts are about small irritants (like chores or habits), it might just be a communication style. However, if they're intense or unresolved, consider relationship counselling.

4. How can couples stop fighting so much?

Key strategies include addressing issues early before they escalate, using "I" statements instead of accusations, practicing active listening, setting boundaries around fighting (no name-calling or bringing up past issues), and learning to take timeouts when emotions run high.

5. When should couples be worried about their fighting patterns?

Concerning signs include fights that never resolve, increasing frequency and intensity of arguments, any form of abuse (physical, emotional, or verbal), complete avoidance of conflict, or when fights damage self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. These situations warrant professional help.

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