Discovering My Narcissistic Patterns At 24

Trigger warning: childhood trauma, verbal abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissistic traits.

Disclaimer: This is a first-person account, which means that these are personal experiences that might or might not resonate with you. The writer hopes that when you read this article, you will enjoy it, and if you feel that you are or have gone through similar experiences, you will be able to take away a few learnings.

My childhood was not an easy one. Being at the receiving end of verbal abuse by a primary caregiver was tough, and the fact that nobody in my family believed it just made things worse. But what motivated me was my belief that I would never be like my abuser. The sudden outbursts of anger, the constant blame game, and the pleading for forgiveness were an all-too-familiar pattern for me. A pattern I could never forgive.

Also read: From Confusion to Clarity: A Guide to Understanding and Dealing with Gaslighting

Having a fondness for psychology, I identified this pattern early on, but didn’t have the support to call it out at the time.  When I tried to defend myself during my college-years, things went further south. In typical abuser-patterns, my feedback was not taken well. We would continuously fight about the smallest of things and I couldn’t wait to leave the house, into a safe space of my own.

Before I could become fully independent, I had several years of reflecting on this trauma with multiple psychologists. The nature of our relationship was such that I did not hate my abuser. Being a part of their journey of personal growth had had a major influence on me. And over time, I was convinced that they were working on their behaviour. So every time we would get into difficult fights, I would remind myself that they just needed to heal. But soon enough, I realised that their healing was not my responsibility, and more importantly - their progress could not justify their abuse, in any way.

Also read: Therapist-Recommended Tools to Start a Conversation on Your Mental Health With Your Family

I got a job, a stable relationship, and breathed a sigh of relief when I could finally move out of my house. I was prepared to be an advocate for other survivors and, in doing so, for my childhood self too. 

I started therapy, and medication, and started discovering more about myself. Soon enough, I realised that my own relationships were suffering because of my self-centred behaviour, but I couldn’t understand how to fix it. I used to take down notes after fights, and reflect on how to make things better, but would inevitably come back to the same toxic behaviour without realising it. It seemed like I had no signs of empathy, which was disturbing for the girl who dreamed of becoming a psychologist.

Also read: Is It Time to See A Therapist?

My notes reflected that I acted with a sense of entitlement and superiority, but felt shattered if I didn't receive validation from those who mattered to me. Whenever I messed up, I would run away from accountability and blame external events instead. I would feel extremely insecure about my closest relationships, but would hurt those around me when in a heated argument. 

Also read: How to Communicate When You Are Angry

As someone coping with multiple mental health disorders, I was trying to make these behaviour patterns fit into one or the other diagnoses. So I could release the uncomfortable burden of being a “bad” person. These two distinct parts of me - the victim and the defendant - were stuck in a long battle, until the day my theories were no longer valid. When my partner pointed out that I was behaving exactly like my abuser.

This was quite a shocker for me. Despite the years of knowing my abuser’s behaviour in and out, I was ashamed of having failed to identify it within myself.

Also read: 10 Tips to Navigate a Difficult Conversation With Your Partner

I spent time discussing this in therapy and reflected on it between sessions. I noticed abusive patterns in my relationships with family, friends, and even colleagues. I kept wondering how I could have become this person when I thought I was doing everything to avoid it. And I’ll be honest - I was battling many self-depreciative thoughts at this time. The victim inside me felt betrayed, as though I had done the worst imaginable thing under the sun.

Also read: 5 Common Signs of Low Self-Esteem Caused by Depression

Over the next few weeks, I kept telling myself that I’m not all good or all-bad, like my Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms kept suggesting. I confided in my loved ones and discovered ways to make my relationship better. 

After weeks of trying to be kinder to myself, I mustered the courage to understand my narcissistic traits. I learned about a concept called Covert Narcissism or Vulnerable Narcissism, often linked to childhood abuse and emotional dysregulation.

Today, I am working through issues with my abuser, and my own narcissistic traits. I am learning to move past what happened to me and make sure I unlearn my trauma in a healthy way.

Also read: My Story: Chronic Illness and Mental Health

If you are someone who might have faced something similar, I urge you to reach out to a therapist for help. It is never easy to process trauma ourselves, and speaking about it in a safe space can help you move towards healing - as it did for me.